Kakuzu and Hidan Alphabet
by WhirledPeace
Summary: Two adjectives for every letter of the alphabet that describe and unfold a story about Kakuzu and Hidan's love. Yaoi. KakuHi. For Lecture, as a birthday present. Enjoy! M for implied naughties and Hidan's mouth.


A/N: Hello! This is for Lecture, as a very very very late birthday present. Hope you all like it! It took me for fucking EVER, and is way too fucking long. Enjoy! Disclaimer: I don't own these two fuckers.

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A is for amusement and arousal.

Kakuzu did not have fun. He did not laugh, he did not make jokes, he did not even smile. You would not make the mistake, as Deidara had, of commenting on this. "Kami, what's his problem, un? It's like he has two-by-fours up his ass, yeah." Needless to say, Zetsu had to be called off his spying duty to repair Deidara, the kitchen, and anyone else or thing in the general vicinity. And there was just something about Hidan that made him want to have fun even less. Maybe it was that cocky grin, the incessant talking, or even the religious beliefs. There was just something off about the man that set his teeth on edge. It was long, long after their meeting Kakuzu finally figured what it was about the man that upset him. That man shouldn't be standing there, making rude comments, he should be under Kakuzu, moaning and screaming and bleeding.

Kakuzu had leaned over and kissed Hidan, then. But the Jashinist couldn't help but smirk. "Finally," he had said. A cheeky bastard to the end.

B is for banish and burn.

They had each left their villages in similar ways, surprisingly. In the end, Kakuzu and Hidan had only the similar 'bite me' attitude. "Well you can't fucking banish me if I leave first!" Hidan had screamed. Kakuzu hadn't been as upfront, but he still flicked off his village by killing all the elders. Perhaps it was this inkling of himself that Kakuzu saw in Hidan that allowed him to stand the Jashinist's presence. Then again, maybe it was this inkling that made Hidan so irritating.

Kakuzu was cold. He was blunt and gruff, and rarely spoke when it could be helped. At night, though, his skin retained the heat of the day, and his mouth was like fire on Hidan's skin. Hidan was abnormally warm. He was hotheaded and hot-blooded, and always ready to pick a fight or get himself into trouble. Yet at night, his skin, being as pale as it was, was deathly cold. It was a good match. During the day, Hidan would dare to tell Kakuzu "Warm up", but at night, he dared utter the dreaded "Kuzu-chan, warm me up."

C is for crush and cretin.

There was something in Kakuzu that made him want to annihilate. Not maim or kill, but to utterly destroy and demolish. It was then in his nature not to want to make love, but to fuck, until all energy had been dissipated so that there was nothing left but to drag his sweaty body off his partner and fall asleep. Like a worthy opponent, a willing partner was not easy to find. Yet he somehow found both in Hidan.

"Lose is not spelled l-o-o-s-e," Kakuzu stated. Hidan looked down at the challenge letter.

"Yes it is," he said.

"No, that spells loose."

"Oh. Can't they be spelled the same?"

"No. Lose is spelled l-o-s-e."

"Oh. Can you fix it?" Kakuzu crossed out the misspelled word wherever it appeared and corrected it.

"You're missing a comma here," he said. "And this should be a semicolon."

"Really?"

"Yes." Kakuzu read through the rest of the painfully butchered letter. But then he came to the most frighteningly ironic part. "Hidan…" The Jashinist looked up. "You- no. I can't even say it."

"What?" Hidan asked, crossing his arms over his chest. Kakuzu sighed.

"You've misspelled cretin."

D is for dogma and dirty.

Kakuzu hadn't ever worried about what Hidan's religion told him not to do. He had always been more worried about the fact it told him to destroy everything in sight and kill himself for his stupid god. But one day, Kakuzu was forced to see that Hidan's religion also inhibited. "Eat the squid, Hidan," Kakuzu growled, getting more and more frustrated. Hidan turned up his nose.

"I'm not allowed to. My religion says I can't." Kakuzu wrinkled his nose.

"Does your religion also say you can't eat it fried?"

"Yes."

"And how about seaweed?"

"Can't."

"Spinach?"

"No."

"Broccoli?"

"Nope."

"Dango?"

"Yes, actually, I can eat that." Kakuzu eyed his partner.

"Are you sure you're not using this as an excuse not to eat foods you don't like?"

Dirty, as oppose to innocent, would be more accurate in describing Kakuzu and Hidan. After a little while of their relationship Hidan had sat Kakuzu down and told him the whole story of how he lost his innocence. "…see, and even though he was like, twenty years older than me, I didn't really mind. But it was then I realised something." Kakuzu, after having just sat through the longest and most boring story of his life, merely grunted. "That's when I realized, after being somewhat molested by the priest, that I like guys." Kakuzu could only stare. Only Hidan could go through all that and only realise that he was gay. Only Hidan.

E is for evangelical and eager.

Hidan was not a Christian. He did not worship the God of the Islamic, Jewish, and Christian faiths. His was a separate belief entirely. But he did have some things in common with the evangelists. He was just as stubborn and dogmatic about his beliefs, and would do anything for Jashin. Plus he was just about as crazy.

Kakuzu had a hold on his emotions. He was always reigned in and calm. Hidan, though he was much more in tune with his emotions, could rarely keep a hold on them and often acted instantaneously. The first time they had been together Hidan was flushed and aroused and oh so hot. He was so eager he even came twice. Hidan was like a kid like that, always squirming and could never sit still. But it was always good to be in touch with your inner child, especially with a lover who could barely remember his own.

F is for fork and far.

After spending the better part of a century together, Kakuzu and Hidan had many stories to tell. But there was one they could only chuckle discreetly about and simply wave a hand, saying "Inside joke". It goes something like this.

"How much farther?" Hidan whined. Kakuzu had long since grown used to Hidan's nonsensical whining that he easily tuned him out. But then he said something Kakuzu did not expect. "Hey, let's make a bet."

"Oh?"

"I'll bet you can't kill our target with the first piece of cutlery you find."

"The hell kind of a bet is that?"

"I'm bored. Indulge me?"

"Fine. So I have to kill our target with the first piece of cutlery I find?"

"Yes."

"What do I get if I win?"

"I don't know."

"How about I get to ram said cutlery down your damn throat?"

"Hmm… deal." Kakuzu smirked under his mask. This might be worth it.

A very interesting journey later, they came to the inn their target was staying at. "Remember, first piece of cutlery," Hidan reminded.

"Yeah, yeah," Kakuzu said, walking into the dining room. His eyes first lit upon a fork. It was a nice silver fork, with an engraved rose and with four very nice straight prongs. And it looked very nice slicing open the target's throat and chest. Kakuzu then ripped it from his target, smirking at Hidan. Hidan sighed.

"Ok, ok, I lost," he said. Kakuzu pocketed the fork.

"So you did."

"So…"

"What?"

"Aren't you going to… you know…"

"Oh, right. I think I'll save that for when I really need it." Hidan gulped.

A few weeks later…

"How much far-" Kakuzu turned and brandished the fork. Hidan shut his mouth. To this day, neither of them will ever say what did happen to the fork.

G is for gabbier and gadzooks

Hidan rarely shut up. Kakuzu had found he either ignored it, kissed him, or decapitated him. But he found this relatively easy. If he was annoyed, he'd kill him, and if he was horny, he'd kiss him. If he was rather bored he'd listen a while then ignore him. It was the times when they had a bit of free time to sit down together he really hated Hidan's need to talk. It was at these times that Hidan would give up the mindlessness of his chatter and try to draw Kakuzu from his shell by asking stupid, pointless, and downright nosy questions. After Kakuzu got fed up and thoroughly shagged him into the mattress, he would lie there wondering if the bastard planned it all. No, he was talking about Hidan, the stupid religious freak who couldn't spell cretin. The stupid idiot who couldn't watch his own back. The stupid idiot who was now smirking… and looking up knowingly… "Don't over think it, Kuzu-chan," he drawled. "Now come back down here and go to sleep."

"Hey, Hidan, come here a moment," Pein said.

"What do you want, mother fucker?" Hidan asked, standing before his leader. Pein, after glancing at a scroll, pressed a few pressure points. Hidan choked and gasped for a moment, then glared at his boss. "What the flute did you do to me?" Pein smirked.

"No more swearing for you, Hidan. You'll be finding more appropriate substitutes from now on."

"You rooster eater!" Pein laughed.

"That's much better. Have fun!"

Hidan walked into the bedroom and stubbed his toe, later that day. "Gadzooks!" he cried. It was a long time before Kakuzu stopped laughing, even with Hidan pounding his chest and yelling at him. From then on, whenever Hidan heard the word 'gadzooks' he immediately threw something at Kakuzu.

H is for help and hinder.

Kakuzu nor Hidan was a helping sort of fellow. Kakuzu wouldn't budge to save his own grandmother from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without payment. Hidan refused to do anything unless it resulted in complete and utter destruction in the name of Jashin. But they each had their own way of showing they cared.

The first time Hidan had been completely disemboweled, completely and utterly destroyed, he hadn't expected much. He had expected something along the lines of Kakuzu leaving him there and going off to collect bounty, and feeding Hidan to some wild animals when he got back. But that wasn't how it worked. Kakuzu stood there a moment, just staring at Hidan. "You really are a useless pile of flesh," he had said. And then his warm, gruff hands were on Hidan's useless pile of flesh, tentacles splitting to delicately bring his body back together.

"You know, I'd heal on my own after a while," Hidan pointed out. Kakuzu grunted.

"I'd rather not have come back to find you devoured by animals or something," he said. "Come on, let's go." Hidan was touched until he found out from Kisame that Kakuzu had been threatened by leader so terribly that if he lost another partner he would have to pay a fee of a million pounds.

"I would be fine without you!" Kakuzu cried. "You only hold me back!" Hidan gasped and took a step back. It was their first fight since sleeping together. He hadn't expected Kakuzu to say things like that after being so intimately together. Kakuzu growled and turned his back on Hidan. He clenched his fists, and took deep breaths. They continued on in silence for the rest of the day, and once the night came they got a cheap inn. Hidan went to take a shower, and Kakuzu lounged on the bed, staying silent. Finally Hidan came out, still looking hurt. Kakuzu sighed. "I'm sorry," he eventually said.

"For yelling at me?" Hidan demanded.

"No. For lying."

I is for irking and irresistible.

Kakuzu rarely thought about the relationship he had with Hidan. It was Hidan's job usually to analyze things and think about things. It was usually Kakuzu's job to be the constant factor whom Hidan could bounce off and be held up by. But now, on a rare night he couldn't sleep and Hidan could, he took the time to think about his lover. Hidan was about the most annoying thing under the sun. Anything mortal man might be able to do to stop Hidan's nonsensical rants about Jashin, the distance between them and the inn, the slave-driver Pein, the distance between him and his last meal, and him and his next meal, the cold, the heat, the mugginess, the dryness, the ugliness of the landscape, the prettiness of the landscape, the frequency of the missions, the frequency of staircases in their journeys, money, lack of money, bounty, bounty hunters, detours, sin, other religions, his own religion, Deidara, anybody who isn't Deidara, Kakuzu, sex, lack of sex, roughness of sex, gentleness of sex, the next village, the last village, his old village, Akatsuki, and a lack of anything to rant about.

Kakuzu had been in the habit of either gagging him, decapitating him, or ignoring him. But there was no way to block out Hidan. Whenever he said anything it cut through Kakuzu's consciousness like a knife and skewered his mind like a shish kebob. He just hoped he would never let on the effect Hidan had on him. Every time he even opened his mouth Kakuzu wanted to smash his head into a wall. Not saying whose head.

But there was another side to Hidan. There was his sexy side. If he wanted something, he could be very seductive. Kakuzu's usual type was the kind that really didn't care about him all that much, didn't take the time to seduce him too terribly, and satisfied themselves with him. This being so, he had a somewhat repulsed feeling when Hidan would turn to him with those eyes. But if things continued, Kakuzu wouldn't exactly mind having Hidan pleasure him.

J is for Jashin and jealousy.

If there was one word that would make Kakuzu want to kill anyone nearby, it was Hidan and his stupid Jashin. As it seemed to Kakuzu, Jashin banned Hidan from doing anything useful, helpful, productive, nice, remotely sane, or difficult. But there were times he was glad that Jashin allowed him to have Hidan. In these moments he would think about the concept for a moment, then slap himself for even thinking that Jashin existed. He was listening to Hidan too much.

Hidan liked Kakuzu. A lot. Not that anyone ever looked at his Kakuzu, though. So he found ways to be a jealous whiney bitch. "You're meeting with a bounty hunter? Who is it? Where are you meeting?" Hidan crossed his arms over his chest.

"In the woods somewhere at a secluded clearing."

"Oh? You'll be alone with another man, secluded in the woods?" Kakuzu raised his eyes to the sky.

"Yes."

"This seems all very-"

"And I've also been paid to assassinate him." Hidan paused.

"Oh."

Many people ogled Hidan. After all, he pranced around without a shirt and showing off his very nice muscles. Women and men alike would chat up Hidan, trying to get their hands on him. Kakuzu was indifferent to this. It was Hidan's own problem that people wanted to ravish him. He would merely continue with whatever he was doing, as Hidan made sacrifices of those people. But he was only able to do so, after a certain incident.

"Hey, Kakuzu, that woman is looking at me," Hidan noted. Kakuzu looked over at her.

"She's pretty."

"They're fake."

"I guessed as much." Kakuzu went back to his papers. Hidan gaped at Kakuzu.

"Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

"Do I need to defend you, or can you do it yourself?" Hidan, who had been rather annoyed with Kakuzu lately, threw up his hands.

"Fine then, maybe I'll go chat to her." Kakuzu rolled his eyes, but watched as Hidan went over to the woman and started talking to her.

An hour later they left together. Kakuzu sat there, telling himself he didn't care, Hidan was a free man and allowed to do as he liked. Yet he still couldn't help but think of all the time they had spent together. After a few hours he slowly made his way back to their hotel room. He walked in, slightly dejected, to find Hidan lying on the couch, book with Jashin's symbol on it. He looked up and smirked at Kakuzu. "What," he drawled, "you have that little faith in me? You can't do much to her by now that I haven't done. We may need to avoid this town for two years or so, you can take a look in my bedroom if you want." Kakuzu stared at him.

"You made a sacrifice in your room?"

"Yeah. Looks like we'll have to share." Kakuzu leaned against the wall. He hadn't expected Hidan to be here. He hadn't expected the woman to be dead. But hey, it was a pleasant surprise.

K is for keen and keep.

Sometimes Hidan could not help but thank Jashin for Kakuzu's perceptive hearing. Usually, Kakuzu was able to tone Hidan completely out, and rarely listened to him. But in battle, he listened so acutely for his partner he was able to hear the slightest cough. And when Hidan wasn't close, Kakuzu found it hard to focus on his enemy, as his ears were strained to hear Hidan's voice. And on these times, when Hidan was in trouble, he knew all he had to do was call for his Kakuzu.

When presented with Kakuzu and Hidan, one would think Hidan was the rude, insensitive one. His foul mouth and volatile personality gave the impression of an utter ass. Kakuzu was silent and flinty, but most people would agree that, oppose to Hidan, that looked very bearable, even enjoyable. But how wrong they were. When on their own, Hidan knew how to be pleasant, but Kakuzu didn't. It was Kakuzu who was stiff and gruff, often pushing away from contact, or being rude and insensitive. But, Hidan mused, he would never let his precious Kakuzu go. There were other reasons Kakuzu was a keeper.

L is for long and labyrinthine.

"How much farther?" Hidan whined. Their roads were long. "I can't even remember my childhood, let alone get in touch with it," Kakuzu huffed. Their lives were long. After they broke for air, their lips stayed close to each other's. Their kisses were long. "Our first time? Yeah, I suppose I can remember that…" Their love was long.

Hidan was very straightforward. There were two things in this world, for him: Things that he hated, and things he loved. For the record, both made him swear detestably. But Kakuzu wasn't. In Kakuzu's world, there were different factions and groupings, different shades and different categories. Unfortunately, or fortunately, Hidan fell into most of them. To Hidan, Kakuzu's mind was a complicated network of rationality and logic. But his emotions were a securely guarded, mystifying labyrinth. Or, as Hidan put it so often, "You're hella complicated, mate."

M is for mayhem and macabre.

The way they teamed up and fought brought utter destruction and chaos on whoever or whatever they decided to attack. If they put their minds to it, they could reduce an entire village to utter pandemonium and rubble; bodies strewn about in varying states of gore, buildings fallen, people screaming and, most importantly, vaults broken open in the banks. Strangely enough, though, all the above adjectives could describe the way they loved and made love. It often left Hidan strewn about in several places, screaming in ecstasy. It completely reduced Kakuzu to rubble, and afterwards they'd both be tired and panting for breath, needing to lean against something for support.

N is for nag and negative.

"Are we there yet?" "How much farther?" "Are we even going the right way?" "Where's the inn?" "Where's the village?" "How much farther is the inn/village?" Hidan was taking a chance whenever he decided to nag Kakuzu. Either he would find his head being chopped off and lobbed into a tree, or Kakuzu's surly lips pressed against his own, and his back against a tree. The former was worth the former.

"Why do you always wear all that stuff?" Hidan asked.

"It's the Akatsuki cloak, moron," Kakuzu replied stiffly.

"You know what I meant, heathen," Hidan snapped. It wasn't often Kakuzu allowed an opening like that.

"I burn easily."

"Bullshit. I doubt you could ever burn."

"So? You doubted I could handle that ANBU on my own as well." Hidan growled.

"You're avoiding my question."

"People might recognize me."

"Bull."

"It's the truth."

"No, it's not."

"My picture on the wanted posters is without all of this." Hidan opened his mouth, but Kakuzu turned, glaring at him. "Later," he said.

They got to the inn and Hidan stripped off his coat, kicked off his shoes, and flung himself on the bed. Kakuzu himself dropped his briefcase, taking off his shoes and sitting in the armchair to do some work.

"Well?" Hidan asked.

"Well what?"

"Well why do you wear all that stuff?" Kakuzu wrinkled his nose.

"You're a pest, you know?"

"So?"

"I'd rather not flaunt myself everywhere, all right? It's just a preference of mine." Kakuzu looked back down at his papers so Hidan couldn't see how uncomfortable he was. Slowly, the Jashinist got up and walked over to Kakuzu, resting his hands on the arms of the chair and leaning down to look Kakuzu in the eye.

"You're a beautiful man, Kakuzu."

"Bull shit." Kakuzu looked up icily. "Powerful. Intelligent. Formidable. Almost everything but beautiful." Behind the safety of his mask, Kakuzu blushed furiously. Hidan's lips were so close to his face, and his eyes were looking so mature and caring, not to mention that toned, rock-hard chest within reach. Gently, Hidan eased the cloth covering from Kakuzu's head, draping it over the arm of the chair. Their eyes met, and then their lips. Kakuzu closed his eyes, letting Hidan do as he pleased. Maybe just this once he could allow himself to be tended to. Just this once.

O is for ornery and oaths.

Kakuzu really was an old man. Not that he wasn't fit or majestically hung, or that his reflexes were lacking, or even that he was in any physical way showing his age. But he had the mind of an old man. He wasn't slow, per say, but stubborn and sometimes, there was just no pleasing him. He refused to use those 'computer' things, just like most ninja, but unlike them, he remembered a time when they had never had the option of using them. Hidan teased him incessantly about this, but Kakuzu stubbornly refused to listen.

Hidan swore. Hidan swore enough to make a sailor blush. He swore in the morning, and swore in the evening, and swore whenever he talked in his sleep. He swore when things made him happy, like Kakuzu spending a little extra to get a _good _inn. He swore when things made him angry, like pesky bounty detours and anyone they happened to see on their travels who recognized them as Akatsuki and wanted to stop them. Kakuzu found it all foolish and childish, really. The English language had enough adjectives to describe any situation without resorting to profanity. Though, there was a certain situation he found it satisfying, and almost pleasing, to hear Hidan scream vulgarity. That was when the priest was under him, moaning and screaming out in pleasure.

P is for paramount and paralyze.

To Hidan, Kakuzu is the utter supreme epitome of dominance and superiority. When dealing with lower-downs, such as Deidara, he was churlish and arrogant. When dealing with his superiors, which were few, he was polite enough, but like a bull in a corset: too much machismo to be contained in something restraining. When not covering himself up, he had muscles that rippled when he moved, and his demeanor demanded respect from everyone.

Kakuzu had seen worse. At least, he tried to convince himself he had. He had slaughtered hordes of ANBU without even blinking. He had killed his village elders without thinking twice. Why, oh for the sake of money, why, was he practically brought to his knees by this beautiful, disgusting, lustful, despicable creature that went by the name of Hidan?

Q is for questions and quarrel.

Hidan was a prick, more often than not. He nagged and always asked where they were going, when they were going to stop, if they were going to have sex, if their sex was good (to piss Kakuzu off) or if he was beautiful (to enrage Kakuzu even more). But he knew when he was going too far. Whenever things got personal, Kakuzu's stiff attitude would change ever so slightly; he'd be pointedly ignoring Hidan, not just forgetting about him. And it was then that Hidan knew he would stop asking with his words, for they had their own ways of conveying messages without those pesky things.

Kakuzu bickered easily with Hidan. The man grated on every last one of his nerves. They argued over the littlest things, like the food, the work, the money, the attention, whatever. It was good for Kakuzu to blow off steam, and Hidan could take it like a man. But it was nice to know the stitched-nin didn't ever mean it, and in the end, when they were kissing fervently, Hidan knew it. They needed no words.

R is for racket and rabidly.

Hidan was loud. He was loud when he ranted, he was loud when he fought, loud when he was annoyed, loud when he was overjoyed, and very loud when finding pleasure. Kakuzu disliked all but the last. Enough said.

Hidan ranted. It was true. It got on Kakuzu's nerves, but that wasn't the point. There was only one thing Hidan was ever sure of: There was a Jashin. He was there, and real, and somewhere. He spoke to Hidan, and bestowed him immortality. At least, he had been so sure of that, so utterly sure, before he had fallen for Kakuzu. Now he didn't know what was real or what was merely his imagination, or someone else's imagination, or even Jashin's imagination. Thus he went on rants about things he was so certain of, he'd die for it. At least, he _thought _so…

S is for sweet and saccharine.

When presented with two formidable and awesome specimens such as Kakuzu and Hidan, one would deem neither particularly cute, fun, or even remotely pleasant. But that's just what they want you to think, don't worry. You've done no wrong. But if one were in Kakuzu's place, one would find Hidan, on occasion, quite endearing. He could be quite adorable, giving puppy eyes, or just the way he smiled in admiration whenever Kakuzu impressed him. He could laugh, joke, smile adorably, and beg ever so cutely for a kiss, if he felt like it. But if one found themselves in Hidan's place, they would find Kakuzu, on occasion, quite loveable. If he was in the mood, he could tell Hidan just how much he cared for him, or what he'd do to anyone who dared lay a finger on his lover, or buy a nice little present. Kakuzu's love of money made any present that much more special. Perhaps Hidan would walk into their room to find perhaps a bottle of wine, or a new weapon. And Hidan would always cheekily thank his Kuzu-kun, and Kakuzu would reply gruffly that he hadn't done anything.

"Yes, I agree, it is rather disgusting," Kakuzu said, leaning against the wall next to his partner. It was one of the most sentimental scenes one could witness. There was Pein and konan, and Pein was being rather mawkish.

"I love you like I've never loved before, I promise I'll never leave you ever," he was saying. Konan was sitting next to him on the couch, reading a book and fending off all his advances.

"Stop acting like you haven't gotten any in weeks and keep your hands to yourself," the female Akatsuki said. Hidan snickered, and Kakuzu shook his head. They retreated back to their room and looked, grinning, at each other.

"Hey Kuzu, do you love me like you've never loved before? Do you promise never to leave me?" Hidan asked cheekily. Kakuzu sighed.

"Don't ask stupid questions, Hidan."

T is for taboo and time.

Homophobia. Hidan had never been subject to it, really. He'd been discriminated more for his religion and tendency to swear and kill people. Kakuzu had been subject a little bit while in training to be a ninja, but nothing bigger than being locked out of locker rooms and such. Really, the two had more to think about. But every time Pein would give them that look, the one what questioned his own sanity for somehow getting a group of flamingly gay men in his organization, it hurt. If one had a hard shell, a knife from the outside couldn't hurt, but made one from the inside hurt doubly so.

Sometimes, when Hidan held his lover close, breathing in the scent of his shampoo and body wash, plus his own unique musk, feeling his own light, clammy skin against Kakuzu's dark, warm skin, their breath mixing until they were breathing in each other, he would think about what they had left. How much farther could two beings be entwined in one another? How long could they keep it up? Would they live eternities together, just the two of them? When fires engulfed the earth and all other life was obliterated, would it just be them two, and perhaps a pack of cards? Hidan smirked. He'd like that.

U is for umbrage and ultimate.

Kakuzu had a thick skin. It wasn't like him to lose his head at anything said to him. It was Hidan who jumped on anything, and was so easily provoked. Deidara had only to snicker and made some immature, snide remark, and Hidan would start screaming and ranting. And whenever he stopped to take a breath, one might just poke him again and he would be at it again. But Kakuzu did have a sore spot for Hidan. No one dared jest about anything about Hidan around him. Not even the suicidal Deidara, because he well knew, there were things worse than death.

Contrary to popular belief, climaxes aren't all the same. If one had enough sex, they soon became immune to it, much like a poison. Then how was it that, although Kakuzu and Hidan had done many different things with many different people, it still felt like their virginal orgasms whenever they were together?

V is for value and vacillation.

Kakuzu knew money. He could convert pounds to dollars to yen in seconds. He knew what was cheap, what was expensive, and could balance a budget as easily as snap his fingers. Yet, with Hidan moaning, aroused, and bloodied under him, screaming in utter ecstasy, he could only think '_Priceless…_'

Hidan knew everything. He only needed to let his mind clear, and Jashin would tell him all he needed to know. After their first time, Hidan had been at a loss for the first time in his life. Jashin refused to be a part of this messed up love affair, and Hidan was left to figure things out for himself. It was different, and scary. But, he soon found, he didn't need to think with Kakuzu's arms around him. There was no figuring when all he needed was to buck his hips, and he had Kakuzu's attention. And yes, if he could kiss and be seductive, he was sure about all of this. Even if Jashin stuck up his nose.

W is for wale and wallow.

Hidan cried out in painful, sinful pleasure. Kakuzu's fingers and tentacles dug into his skin, his teeth biting at his ear. It didn't matter that the marks of their sex mirrored those of an abused slave. In fact, it was rather fitting.

Kakuzu was sitting in his room, alone, trying to continue his figuring. But he couldn't concentrate. 'He said it, I can't believe he said it,' he thought repeatedly. 'He didn't mean it. No one ever means those three stupid words. No one. Not even if you think you do. Yes, he must be very confused to think that. But what would even make him think that? No, he's just messing with me. He's only joking, seeing if I'll actually believe him. Well I won't give him the satisfaction. Or will I? I'd rather have him satisfied- what am I thinking?' Kakuzu sighed, leaning back in his chair and closing his eyes. He heard the door open, and his eyes shot open, sitting bold upright in his chair, then leaping up and whirling to face his partner who was standing, amused, behind him. "What do you want, Hidan?" he demanded.

"Stressed much?" Hidan chuckled.

"None of your damn business," Kakuzu snapped. Hidan rolled his eyes, playful smile never leaving his lips. He took Kakuzu's hand and lead him over to the bed, sitting him down.

"Please, I know you like the back of my hand," he said casually, climbing on the bed behind Kakuzu, upright on his knees. Slowly, he began to knead Kakuzu's shoulders and back. "You get stressed so easily. Is our money spending really that bad?" Kakuzu said nothing, merely enjoying the feeling of Hidan's dexterous fingers massaging his flesh. "And that Leader-sama! Little shit, if you ask me, making you work like this. If it were up to me, I'd give all the work to Deidara. That way Sasori would get stressed." Hidan snickered lightly, leaning down to kiss Kakuzu's ear, hands working lower on the stitched-man's back. "Really, now, don't you know the meaning of moderation? Are you trying to work yourself to death? Stress isn't healthy, and neither is work."

"Is that so?" Kakuzu mumbled, feeling his head gently fall back against Hidan's chest. The priest smiled and shook his head.

"Yeah. It is. And seeing as you're already asleep, might as well be healthy, no?"

X is for xenophobic and xoanon.

Kakuzu sighed, looking at the irate Zetsu standing before him. "**You would not believe the ruin! He even caught my leg, and I swear I've sprained my ankle**." Kakuzu nodded, shaking his head.

"I understand."

"So, if you wouldn't mind-"

"**Would you give him the damn medicine**?" Kakuzu nodded.

"Of course. What do I have to do?"

"Just get him to take this pill."

"**I've never seen someone so scared of simple medication**!" Kakuzu said nothing, taking the small blue pill. He then made his way to the infirmary, finding Hidan sulking on his bed.

"I'm not taking it," he said. His face was flushed red, chest heaving and breathing harsh.

"Hidan, look at you! Don't you want to get better?"

"I'm immortal! I can handle it!" Hidan, at his outburst, flew into a coughing fit. Kakuzu walked over and sat next to him on the bed, patting his back until the coughing passed, leaving in its wake an angry red in Hidan's face.

"No you're not, Hidan. I know you can't die, but you're obviously uncomfortable. Just take it, or else I swear I'll die of worry." Hidan looked up, confused and a little sorry.

"All right, I'll take it." Kakuzu smiled and handed the pill to him, along with a glass of water. He then got up and walked away, smirking to himself. Like taking candy from a baby.

Hidan growled in frustration, setting the knife down to gaze disgustedly at what he had created. "It's terrible!" he howled. '_It's all right, my son,' Jashin said. 'Maybe my image was too great. Why don't you start with something else that you respect? Say, for instance, your cloak, or rosary, or your scythe_.' Hidan thought a moment. Something he respected…

"Hey Hidan, I- hey, the hell is that, un?" Hidan quickly hid the effigy with his arms.

"None of your damn fucking business!" he shrieked. Deidara smirked.

"Oh really? Well then, I'm sure it's _Kakuzu's _business you're making a statue of him, un."

"Get the fuck back here, little fucker!"

Y is for yegg and yammer.

"Just be quiet, all right?" Kakuzu instructed, pressing his ear to the safe.

"I'm bored, Kuzu! This is soooo boring!" Hidan complained.

"I said be quiet."

"Kuzu, can't we just bust the thing open?"

"No. Now shut up!"

"Kuzu-"

"Damnit, Hidan, shut your mouth or no sex for a month!" Hidan quickly shut up.

Z is for zealot and zombie.

Hidan, previous to falling for Kakuzu, had given his whole heart to Jashin. He was the best follower, the most loyal, and the least likely to convert. But since he had slept and fallen in love with Kakuzu, he couldn't even tell which way was up anymore.

The Zombie Twins. No one could remember who had made up the name, or how long ago, but it suited the pair. But how very few knew exactly how alike Kakuzu and Hidan really were.


End file.
